Jokes

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1. I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know     I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde. – Dolly     Parton    2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly     ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. – Erica Jong

    3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my     friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours.  I don’t even     want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner    4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.     We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -     Rita Rudner    5. I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -     Wendy Liebman    6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -     Erma Bombeck    7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing     ‘em. – Sue Grafton    8. I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on. -     Roseanne Barr    9. I think, therefore I’m single. – Lizz Winstead    10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men      invade another country. – Elayne Boosler    11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -      Maryon Pearson    12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch. – Gilda      Radner    13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want      anything done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher    14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine      marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinhem    15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. – Glori      Steinhem    16. I never married because there was no need.  I have three pets      at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.  I have a      dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all      afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.   – Marie      Corelli    17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. – Baroness      Edith Summerskill    18. If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing      neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a      little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee    19. I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man I keep      his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Three men were digging a hole when they found a lamp. The first  man rubbed it and out popped a genie. He said, “Poof, I will grant  each of you one wish.”    The first man said, “I wish to be smart and handsome.”    The genie’s reply, “Poof you’re a lawyer.”    The second man said, “I wish to be twice as smart and twice as  handsome.    ”Poof, you’re a doctor.”    The third man said, “I wish to be three times as smart and three  times as handsome.”    ”Poof, you’re a woman.”

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A drunk is sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and  raises her arm really high to get the bartender’s attention.    She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the  bartender, “Get the ballerina a drink.”    She gets her drink and goes away.

    Later she returns and raises her arm again.  The drunk sees her  and yells to the bartender, “Get the ballerina another drink.”  She gets her drink and goes away again.    The bartender asks the drunk how he knows that she is a ballerina  given that she is a stranger and has never been in the bar before.    The drunk replies, “She’s got to be a ballerina if she can lift  her leg that high.”

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A blind man with his guide dog walked into a bar.    The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around  over his head.     The bartender runs up and asks, “Man, What the heck are you  doing?”    The blind man replies,”Just looking around.”

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Sexual Confessional   A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”     “Tell me all of your sins, my daughter.”     “Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,” she says.     The priest thinks about this long and hard, and says, “Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass, and drink it.”     “Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?”     “No,” the priest says, “but it’ll wipe that smile off your face!”

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> A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a   > preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water   > and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and   > is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,   >   “Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.” So the   > preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks   > the drunk, “Brother, have you found Jesus?” The drunk replies, “No, I   > haven’t found Jesus.”   >   > The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water again for a   > little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks   > again, “Have you found Jesus, my brother?” The drunk again answers, “No, I   > haven’t found Jesus.”   >   > By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the   > water again— but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and   > when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again   > asks   the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”   >   > The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the   > preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?

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In a wild high-speed police chase, a trailerless semi truck flees authorities with a man clinging to the back of the vehicle. The truck eventually slows down enough to allow the man no the back to jump off, where he falls, gets up, and then seems to wander around. The man driving the truck is forced out by about a dozen police and wrestled to the ground after the truck stops, although not without some difficulty.

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